Dating is a fundamental part of the human experience. Even when the first caveman saw his sweetheart bathing in the river, the desire for companionship burned brightly. The date is a magical event for two people who belong together. But as Grog found out, it doesn't always work that way. When Grog approached his crush, he was a little shy, but when he pulled the bouquet of flowers out from behind his back and saw her eyes light up, all his fears melted. He blushed and looked down at his foot digging in the dirt. When he looked up, he saw his sweetheart begin to flail and squeal, probably because of the bugs in the flowers that were now crawling all over her face. As Ugette turned and doove back into the river, Grog knew that his date was ruined.
      It isn't easy, but if Grog could do it, so can you. Ruining a date can be easy. Just follow these simple steps, and with a little bit of luck, you'll have the babes jumping in the river too!
      First of all you have to schedule the date. This is probably best done through a friend, as you do not want her to think you are courageous or bold. That would be counter-productive. Once the date is set, you are in the clear until the evening of the date.
      When the evening of the date rolls around, think and worry about the date extensively. Pace around your room and wring your hands together, causing excess amounts of sweat. whatever you do, do not shower prior to the date! If you haven't bathed for a number of days previous, this even further supports your cause. When you are getting dressed, try to find the oldest, rattiest, scazziest clothes you have. Think as if you had Grog's fashion sense. When you are ready to go out the door, (which should be at least ten minutes after the date was supposed to start), grab a handful of Doritos or sour cream and onion chips. Before you leave your yard, pick some dandelions. Specifically look for the ones with insect infestations. Hop on your mother's old bike, and pedal onward to your date's house.
      When you pull up to your date's house, hoist the bike onto your back, and check to make sure that you are still good and sweaty. Have the flowers ready, (try to avoid putting them near yourself), and ring the doorbell. Once your date opens the door, present the flowers to her and say 'Hello', exhaling heavily on the 'H'. If your date questions you about the bicycle on your back, explain that you cannot take a vehicle because it would be too noisy. If your date still seems confused, tell them that a car engine would wake up the farmer, thereby ruining your cow-tipping fun. Proceed to fetch her bicycle, (it's the chivalrous thing to do), and head on your way. Now your date officially begins!
      During your trip to the farm, make comments on your date's appearance. Questions such as 'Did you put on make-up, or take some off?' and "Are you putting on weight?' will really strike a good impression. Upon your arrival at the farm, take your date by the wrist and stalk into the field of cows. If it is already dark, you will have to use your nose and feet to find adequate manure piles to lead your date through. Tip over your first cow, and then giggle like a schoolgirl while rolling around on the ground. Occasionally you should "accidently" mistake your date for a cow and push them to the ground. When it gets late, (or the farmer comes out with a shotgun, whichever is first), take your date by the hand and head home. After you arrive at your house, thank your date for a wonderful evening and go inside, leaving them to fid their own way home.
      If you have done everything properly, your date should now be home crying and embarrassed. Your chances of getting a date ever again, slim and none. If so, congradulations! You have successfully had a disatrous date. But, if your date calls you sometime later saying that they had a wonderful time and that they want to see you again, then you have truly found someone very, very special.


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