Valdronius vs The Car: The Complete Trilogy

      I'd like to take this opportuniy to tell you about what I feel is the greatest trilogy of all time. I'm sure many would give this title to the original Star Wars trilogy, or Lord of the Rings, but by the time I'm finished, I think you'll see things my way. Logically, we're going to start with the first in the series.

Title: Valdronius vs The Car
Directed By: Val D. Ronius
Writing Credits: Cruel Fate

Genre: Reality / Suspence
Tagline: Nothing could prepare him for this university experience.
Plot Outline: After a trip downtown, Valdornius is rollerblading home on the lefthand sidewalk of Main Street. Dumbass Bitch is leaving McDonald's drive-thru and turning right onto Main Street. Using the old look-left-for-a-break-in-traffic-without-looking-right ploy, she seizes the opportunity to take Valdronius out at the knees.


Title: Valdronius vs The Car 2: Stay Off The Sidewalks
Directed By: Val D. Ronius
Writing Credits: History Repeating

Genre: Reality / Suspence
Tagline: One bad turn deserves another.
Plot Outline: Four years have passed since Valdronius vs The Car. Our hero finds himself again walking home on the lefthand sidewalk of Main Street. The villian of this installment, Middle-aged Asshole, is leaving the grocery store parking lot, and decides to use the same ploy Dumbass Bitch used previously. Fortunately, frequenting Main Street and sporadic night terrors have kept the incident from years before fresh in Valdronius' mind. Despite Middle-aged Asshole's utilization of excessive speed, Valdronius sees the attack coming and jumps onto the hood, avoiding serious injury.


Title: Valdronius vs The Car 3: Hit And Run
Directed By: Val D. Ronius
Writing Credits: Misguided Traffic Laws

Genre: Reality / Suspence
Tagline: Three Strikes And You're Out.
Plot Outline: Mere months after part two of the series, Valdronius finds himself bicycling to work. In an attempt to observe local laws and avoid being rear-ended, he hugs the righthand side of the road, and tries to maintain a speed of 40 kph (25 mph). Nervous Blonde, approaching from the opposite sees Valdronius, and decides to finish what her predecessors could not. Making a sharp left turn leaves our hero facing the broad side of a car with nowhere to go. Brakes are applied full force, but it is too little, too late. Impacting just behind the rear-passenger tire, bicycle and rider become unlikely projectiles, arcing over the trunk of the car and travelling some 25 feet before coming to a stop.


      If you have the opportunity to pick up the boxed set, do it! Any skepticism remaining will be washed away, although I doubt any further debate is necessary. The greatest trilogy of all time makes a great Christmas gift, and is an excellent addition to anyone's collection.



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